Happiness only pass by in my life then gone

Im lost sometimes. I dont know where to go. I dont know where to stop by and tell everybody to stop and give me some space. Im stucked! Before this, im okay on the outside and hurt inside. But now, im totally down outside and inside. Feels like the whole world is resting on my shoulder. I dont want anything, I just want a forever happiness. Why people like me just had a happiness in a second and having most of the time on this earth in the sadness part more. Why?! Yes I know I cant say like that. I have to accept the qada and qadar but I just cant handle everything anymore. I still remember my counselor said to me, " Sharifah, awak ni lain dari pelajar yg pernah saya kenal. Awak bukan saja pandai sorok apa yg awak lalui tp awak pandai sorok wajah luka perit awak tu. But remember dear, you cant hide it forever" And I think what my counselor said to me is became real now. Yes I cant hide it anymore. I see that when im facing my family problem like now I cant stay happy and crazy with my friends anymore like I used too. But now, I became silent when I keep remind all the problem that whining in my head all and over again without ending part. 

Like today, im happy with those work thing then when I came home. My mom said that my cousin got 7A1B for her PMR. And mama suddenly talks about my past 2 years PMR result. Ma! Is this how you treat me as your daughter, you keep repeating my mistake. Why ma?! How many times I should tell you, I wanna change! I regret with my past. I know I did a big mistake. How many times I make you and babah down. But please ma, give me chance and I dont want anything. I just want you to give me your spirit. I just want to be strong like you ma. Coz I know what mama's been through since mama married with babah and you raised me and sister with a strong heart and good discipline. I just want you to know ma, berapa kali eyra menangis sbb mama marah eyra. Selagi tula eyra rasa eyra semakin matang coz mama still there to give me advice. But I just cant accept it when you talk about my past and compare with the better child out there and repeating about my bad past with my ex. That is the most part that I hate to argue with you. How am I wanna move on if you ma, you, the one that give birth on me and feed me until I can eat by my ownself talk about things that I hate to remind back. I just cant ma. Stories with my ex is the most past that I dont want to be repeat it. I dont want ma. If I die one day before you ma, I want you to know I post this entry with tears that non-stop drop. I dont want anything ma, I want you to be there and give me spirit to forget my past. Only that ma, I want you to know, I love you and babah more than I love myself. You two are the most precious things that I have in my life.

Proudly to have you two in my life, mama babah